The Vampire Theory
by XJessxXxJulesX
Summary: The Vampire Academy characters go Big Bang Theory. Nuff said. Enjoy.
1. Pilot

**Lol, Big Bang Theory goes Vampire Academy :O Written by Jess, beta-ed by Jules. We don't own shit.**

**Chapter 1 – Pilot**

The two men walk down the hall, while the taller one babbles on,

"So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either is observed, it will not go through both. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it left the plane, before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits."

"Agreed. What's the point?" he questions, confused. His black haired, blue eyed friend blinks.

"No point, I just think it would be a good idea for a t-shirt," he states. The brown-haired man rolls his eyes and opens the door. They approach the counter awkwardly, where a woman sits, doing a crossword puzzle.

"Hello," the shorter, brunette man says. The woman doesn't even glance up from her paper. The man leans over the counter slightly and examines the puzzle.

"One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is- move your finger, phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti," he tells her. She looks up, annoyed.

"Is this the high IQ sperm bank?" he asks.

"If you have to ask that, you're probably in the wrong place," she answers dryly, handing both men a clipboard, "Fill these out." They go to sit on the couch in the waiting room and began to fill out the papers. The taller man turns to his friend.

"Dimitri, I don't think I can do this," he states, uncomfortably.

"Are you kidding? You're a semi-pro," Dimitri says to his friend. He gives Dimitri an exasperated look.

"No, we are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm's going to generate high-IQ offspring. Think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers," Christian explains, as though it should be obvious.

"This was your idea," Dimitri states, annoyed.

"What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?" he asks.

"I'm sure she would still love him," Dimitri tells Christian.

"I wouldn't," Christian concedes. Dimitri gives him an irritated look.

"Fine, let's go then," he says to his roommate.

"What's the protocol for leaving?" Christian whispered back to him.

"I don't know," he sighs, shrugging, "I've never done this before."

"How about we just leave?" Christian suggests. Dimitri nods so they stand and creep towards the door.

"Bye," the women behind the desk says dryly. Both men look back and mumble a goodbye.

**.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.**

"Do you want to hear an interesting fact about stairs?" Christian asks Dimitri, as they walk up the stairs to their apartment.

"Not really!" Dimitri exclaims, mock excitedly.

"If the height of a stair is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip," he tells his friend anyway, ignoring the fact that he had no interest.

"I don't care. Two milli-" he trails off, "That doesn't seem right."

"It's true," Christian defends, "I did a series of experiments when I was twelve resulting in my father breaking his clavicle."

"Is that why they sent you to boarding school?" Dimitri asks, intrigued now.

"No, that was the result of my work with lasers," he answers as they reach the landing of their apartment. They stand, looking over at the open door of the apartment next to them. A pretty brunette girl, wearing short shorts and a tight t-shirt stands near the doorway, sorting through some things.

"New neighbor?" Dimitri asks quietly.

"It would appear so," Christian replies.

"Significant improvement over the old neighbor," Dimitri states.

"A two-hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition. Yes, she is," Christian replies in his usual snarky manner. Dimitri gives him a look and walks over, knocking on the open door.

"Oh, hello," the girl says, walking over to the door and leaning against the frame.

"I'm Dimitri and this is Christian," Dimitri introduces them, while Christian smiles awkwardly, "We live across the hall." He gestures behind them and Christian nods.

"Oh!" she exclaims in surprise, "How nice?"

"No!" Dimitri says, "We don't live together. Well, we live together but in separate heterosexual bedrooms." The girl grins at his awkwardness, finding it adorable.

"Well, I'm Rose," she tells the men, "It's nice to meet you." They exchange goodbyes and the boys head over to their apartment.

"Maybe we should invite her to eat with us," Dimitri suggests. Christian gives him a curious look.

"Why?" he demands.

"It's the neighborly thing to do," he defends his choice.

"We never invited Luis/Louise to eat with us," Christian counters.

"Well, we should have. We need to widen our circle," Dimitri tells Christian.

"I have a very wide circle," Christian sounds offended, "I have two-hundred-and-twelve friends on MySpace."

"You've never met one of them!" Dimitri shouts.

"That's the beauty of it!"

"I am inviting her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat," Dimitri says, starting to walk back out of their apartment. Christian follows.

"Chat? But we don't chat, at least not on-line," Christian says, still following Dimitri, who knocks on Rose's door. She opens it and smiles. Dimitri holds up the bag of food.

"We bought Thai food and were wondering if you'd like to join us for lunch," he says, still awkward around her, "It's curry based and you know what they say, a clean colon's a happy colon!" Christian leans closer to Dimitri.

"I don't think it's appropriate to mention bowel movements in a lunch invitation," he tells him. Rose smiles.

"I'd love to eat with you guys," she says, walking out of her apartment and closing the door.

"Wow," Rose says, walking over to the white-board set in the middle of the room, "Did you do all this?" She directs her question at Dimitri.

"No," Christian interrupts, "That's my board." He explains some of what's written on it to his new neighbor.

"Oh, so you're one of those beautiful minds?" she asks, sounding interested. Dimitri walks over to the other board on the other side of the room.

"I have a board, if you like boards," he says quickly, "This is my board."

"Holy smokes!" she exclaims, walking over.

"If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure," Christian intervenes.

"What?" Dimitri asks, confused.

"Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below 'here I sit brokenhearted'?" Christian retorts.

"Let's just eat," Dimitri huffs, sitting in the armchair next to the couch. Rose sits beside him, on the couch.

"Rose!" Christian exclaims.

"Yeah?" she asks, looking surprised.

"That's where I sit," he tells her.

"You can sit next to me," she says back.

"No, I sit there," he states.

"Why?" Rose is very confused by this point. Christian sighs and Dimitri has a pained expression on his face.

"In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to stay warm but not to perspire. In the summer, there is a lovely cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there," he gestures to the windows, "And it is angled in a way that I can see the TV without discouraging conversation but not get a crick in my neck. Need I go on?"

"Do you want me to move?" she asks.

"Yes," he responds. Dimitri looks at his roommate.

"Just sit down!" he snaps. Christian sits at the other end of the couch, looking uncomfortable.

"So, what do you guys do for fun around here?" Rose asks, trying to make conversation.

"Today we tried masturbating for money," Christian supplies, helpfully.

"Enough about us!" Dimitri cries, "Tell us about you."

"Oh, well, I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know," she begins.

"Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality," Christian interrupts.

"Participate in the what?" she asks, puzzled.

"He just meant that's not what we expected," Dimitri intervenes on his roommate's behave.

"Oh, I know! Most people think I'm a water sign," she responds, "I'm a vegetarian except fish and steak. I love steak! I moved from Nebraska to L.A. to try to be an actress but I'm working at the cheesecake factory until I get started."

"I love cheesecake," Dimitri states.

"You're lactose-intolerant," Christian replies.

"I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea!" Rose smiles.

"Oh, anyways I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln, Nebraska, to be an actress and who ends up a waitress at the cheesecake factory," she says, trying to defuse the tension between the roommates.

"So, it's based on your life?" Dimitri asks.

"No, I'm from Omaha," she tells him.

"Ahh," he says.

"Yeah," she smiles and then frowns, "I should be happy but it's just so hard because of my stupid ex-boyfriend." She starts to cry and Christian mouths 'What's happening?' to Dimitri, who responds with 'I don't know.'

"Four years!" she exclaims, "I lived with him for four years! That's like as long as high school!"

"It took you four years to finish high school?" Christian exclaims, shocked.

"And now I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work!" she continues.

"Our shower works," Dimitri says.

"Would it be really weird if I used your shower?" she asks, hopefully.

"No," Dimitri shakes his head at the same time Christian says,

"Yes." Dimitri turns to his friend.

"No," he says sternly.

"No?" Christian asks.

"No!" he shouts. Christian turns back to Rose.

"No," he says. She smiles widely.

"You guys are so sweet!" she exclaims happily, earlier sorrows temporarily forgotten.

"It's right through there," Dimitri directs Rose. She smiles and walks down the short hallway.

"I think it might ruin your chances at having sex with her when she sees your Luke Skywalker tear-free shampoo," Christian says to his roommate.

"I'm just trying to be nice!" Dimitri defends, "And it's Darth Vador shampoo, Luke Skywalker is the conditioner."

"It's been some time since a woman has taken her clothes off in this apartment," Christian says, taking his plate into the kitchen.

"That's not true," Dimitri says, "Remember Thanksgiving when my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that attack?"

"That's true. It's been some time since a woman has taken her clothes off and we don't want to stab our eyes out after," Christian re-words his earlier statement.

"The worst part was when she carved that turkey," Dimitri shudders.

"You've got to see this!" Adrian says, letting himself into his friends' apartment, followed by Mason.

"See what?" Dimitri asks, starting to get fed up with everyone today. Mason takes the DVD from Adrian and puts it in the player.

"It's a Stephen Hawking lecture at MIT from 1974!" Adrian says excitedly.

"Now's not a good time," Dimitri sighs.

"It's before he became a creepy robot voice," Mason tells his friend, imitating the voice. Rose comes out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel.

"Is there a trick to making the shower work?" she asks.

"Yeah, I'll get it," Dimitri says, walking over to her. Mason walks over quickly.

"Bon douche!" he says quickly.

"Excuse me?" Rose asks, raising her eyebrows, unable to just raise one.

"It means good shower in French, a sentiment I can convey in fourteen different languages," he explains. Rose nods and Dimitri leads her back to the bathroom and fiddles with the shower. It goes on.

"There it goes, it sticks sometimes," he says. Rose climbs in, "Oh, you're just gonna get right in." She throws the towel over the bar that holds the shower curtain. Dimitri starts to leave.

"Would it be completely out of line to ask you for a favor?" Rose asks, before he can leave.

"No, not at all. Favors are good," he stutters, "I'd do you a favor."

"Great!" she chirps, "Because my ex has my TV and I think he might respond better if I don't go to get it back."

**.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.**

"I don't see why we're doing this," Christian says as he rides in the car next to his roommate.

"Because Rose asked us to," Dimitri sighs.

"Doing her favors will not increase your chances of copulation." Dimitri ignores his friend and keeps driving.

**.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.**

The two men walk up to the doors of the apartment building and ring Rose's ex-boyfriend's apartment.

"Who is it?" a deep voice comes out of the speakers.

"My name is Dimitri," he says.

"I'm Christian," his friend butts in.

"We're here to get Rose's TV," Dimitri finishes.

"Go away," the voice says.

"We tried," Christian says, shrugging and walking away.

"We have a combined IQ of three-hundred-sixty. We can figure out how to get into a building," Dimitri says, stopping him. He walks up to the doors and pulls. He stops for a moment than pulls harder.

"I love seeing your mind at work," Christian tells him dryly. Two girl scouts walk up and ring all the bells. The door opens and they run inside.

"I wonder what their combined IQ is," Christian ponders. Dimitri glares at him.

"Catch the door!" he yells.

**.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.**

Dimitri knocks on the door of Rose's old apartment. A tall, muscular man opens it and stares down at them.

"How the hell did you get in here?" he demands, obviously realizing who it was.

"We're scientists," Dimitri says, crossing his arms awkwardly.

"Tell him about our IQ," Christian tells his friend.

**.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.**

"My mom bought me those pants," Christian states as they walk up the stairs to their apartment.

"I'm sorry!" Dimitri exclaims.

"You're gonna have to call her," his friend told him. Dimitri walks into the apartment with Christian on his heels.

"Oh my god!" Rose exclaims, "I'm so sorry! I thought he'd be less of an ass if I wasn't there."

"It was a valid hypothesis," Dimitri tells her, kindly.

"A valid hypoth- What has happened to you?" Christian demands, shocked.

"Let me grab my purse, dinner is on me!" she starts to run out of the apartment but turns back and hugs both guys.

"You two are so sweet!"

"Our babies will be smart and beautiful," Dimitri says, leaning against the door frame. Christian stands behind him.

"Not to mention imaginary," he says.

**.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.**

Dimitri drives down the road, with Christian in the passenger seat and Mason, Adrian and Rose in the back. Adrian is unable to speak because he is in the presence of a woman.

"How do you feel about Indian?" Rose asked.

"Oh no!" Christian says, "We had Thai for lunch."

"So what?" Dimitri asks.

"They're both curry based!"

"I know a sushi bar down the street that also has karoke," Mason says.

"That sounds fun!" Rose says. Mason starts singing.

"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mack daddy," Christian says to Dimitri.

**Review please!**


	2. The Big Bran Hypothesis

**Hey! What's up? It's Jules here to bring you the next awesome sauce new chapter. I have been sick and haven't been able to write. But I will be able the write now. I broke my finger and it is functioning fine****. Enjoy the chapter as I have enjoyed watching and writing this amazing episode of the Big Bang Theory. **

**Disclaimer:**

**Jess: It went VA style. **

**Me: Like Gangnam style. **

**Jess: No you ass. *face palm***

**Me: *does the dance***

**Jess: JUST SAY THE DAMN DISCLAIMER!**

**Me: *still dancing* op-op-op-op-op Oppan Gangnam style! WE do not own… the-the-the-the-the-the Vampire Academy. *smiles* how was that?**

**Jess: :O**

**Me: or the Big Bang Theory. Enjoy. **

**Beta-ed by: Jess**

**Chapter 2: **

It's been a couple days the guys across the hall had gotten their new neighbor Rose. They had a routine weekly plan. It was mostly by Christian's standards, most times the others, Mason, Adrian and especially Dimitri wanted to wring his neck and choke the guy and hope he doesn't wake up. Okay so maybe that wasn't the best thing to say, but hey he had to live with the guy for a couple years and a couple more years until his job offered something more advanced for his profession.

Today, like any other day, the guys all gathered in the apartment of Dimitri and Christian. Just like any other day; they ordered food, which Dimitri would, most likely, pick up and pay for, and they all split the cash evenly. That was it; a boring schedule and routine week, also picked by Christian. Basically, every day was a Christian day. If it wasn't his way, then it was no way at all. The highway option wasn't in play. He wouldn't let you leave.

Dimitri handed out the food to his friends by order they were ordered.

"Here you go, Pad Thai no peanuts," He handed the meal to Mason. Who was highly allergic to any type of nuts?

Mason looked up at Dimitri. "Uh, no peanut oil?"

Dimitri bit his lip and looked around, "I don't know. Hey, everyone watch out for Mason, in case starts to swell up."

"Since it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine," Christian said as he got his food and sat next to Mason, in his spot.

"Do we have any chop sticks?" Adrian asked looking in the bag of Thai Food.

"This is Thai food they don't use Chop sticks," Christian pointed out.

Dimitri stopped putting his sauce on and looked at Christian.

"Here we go," he said with a loud sigh.

"Thailand has been using forks since the latter half of the 19th century. Interesting enough they don't put the fork into their mouth. They put the food on the fork, then onto a spoon, then they put the spoon into their mouth," Christian demonstrated for them. Dimitri looked really annoyed.

"Ask him for a napkin," Dimitri told Adrian. "I dare you" He put food into his mouth.

There was a knock at the door, Dimitri ran over to the door after putting his food down.

"Do I look puffy, I feel puffy," Mason said touching his face.

Dimitri opened the door to see the beautiful Rose standing there. "Oh hi, Dimitri"

"Oh hi, Rose." Dimitri walked out into the hall to be alone with her.

"Am I interrupting something?" She smiled; Dimitri looked over her seeing that she was dressed for work. He knew they couldn't talk long, which upset him, because he hasn't seen her since she moved in. They passed by each other, said hi, then that was it. Nothing less, nothing more.

"No." Dimitri said, trying to close the door before she heard the others.

"You're not swelling Mason," Christian said from the inside of the apartment.

"No, no my fingers look swollen," Mason said. "They look like Vienna Sausages."

"Sounds like you got company." Rose said pointing to the door.

Dimitri looked back finally closing the door. "They're not going anywhere." Dimitri took his chance right then to see if she was going to work or coming home. "I see you're coming home from work. How was it?"

"It's the cheesecake factory. So people order cheesecake and I bring it to them," she said almost as if she were bored.

"So you kind of act like a hardball delivery system," Dimitri said playing with his fingers, almost shy to be talking to this beauty in front of him.

"Mm, yeah," Rose nodded her head, playing with her keys. "Call it whatever you want. I get minimum wage." She looked down then back up at Dimitri, "Yeah, hey anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something. I'm kind of..."

"Yes," Dimitri said almost too quickly, actually too quickly, because he interrupted Rose.

"Oh," Rose said smiling at Dimitri. "I'm having some future delivered here tomorrow. I may not be here so…" She paused when the door opened revealing Dimitri's friends. "Oh. Hello."

They look at her smiling. Mason stepped up looking at the beautiful Rose. He winked at Dimitri and spoke in Russian to her. "Vy tak prekrasny, i ochenʹ bezuprechno."

"I'm sorry," Rose said very confused. Dimitri laughed a bit.

"Haven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?" Mason said to her smiling very charmingly.

"No, I haven't." Rose shrugged.

Mason smirked and crossed his arms, "Get used to it." He looked at Dimitri and he just rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I probably won't, but," she noticed Christian and smiled at him. "Hey, Christian."

"Hi." Christian spoke very awkwardly towards her.

"Hey, Adrian," She waved at him a bit. Adrian stayed quiet since he was shy around girls, "Still not talking to me, huh?"

"Don't take it personally, it's his pathology, he can't talk to women." Christian spoke up for Adrian's weirdness.

Mason butted into the conversation, "He can't talk to attractive women or in your case a cheesecake–scented Goddess!"

Dimitri rolled his eyes ignoring his little red headed friend. He turned back to Rose and cheered up just a bit, "So, there's going to be some furniture delivered?"

She nodded, "Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I'm not here tomorrow could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment."

"Yeah, no problem." Dimitri nodded. At this point he would do anything for her. Just to get Mason off her back.

"Great, here's my spare key." She handed the tall man her spare key. Their hands touched for a brief moment and they both felt a jolt of electricity run through their bodies. Rose pulled away quickly. "Thank you." She walked away going to her apartment.

"Rose, wait." Dimitri stopped her before she went inside.

"Yeah?" She turned and looked at him, drinking in his features. He was a good looking man, but he couldn't be her type. Could he?

"Um, if you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?" He offered, just to have more time with her.

"A marathon?" She said in wonder. "Wow, how many Superman movies are there?"

"You're kidding, right?" Christian almost exclaimed. Being the nerd he was, he couldn't see anyone else's reasons why they wouldn't know how many Superman movies there were.

"Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?" She looked at the men.

"One," all the men said together. Adrian lifted one finger.

Rose was still confused at why Adrian couldn't talk to women. He was a good looking guy, yet she was still trying to figure out what gave him this phobia to be really nervous and scared to talk to women. Especially her, she wasn't that special. She knew she was beautiful but she was still worried about his wellbeing.

"You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy." Christian pointed out. He was too, wondering why they were all still standing in the hallway, when his food was inside probably getting cold. No doubt it would be cold when they go back inside and he wouldn't be able to eat it again.

Rose scoffed, "Yes, I know, men can't fly."

"Oh no, let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces." Christian smiled in spite of himself.

"Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates." Dimitri pointed out looking at Christian then back at Rose, shrugging his shoulders.

"In what space, sir, in what space?" Christian argued. "She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death."

Dimitri scoffed, "Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength."

Christian was getting angry by now. He hated to be wrong, and he was willing to make this argument his way or no way. "Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow Sun."

"Yeah, and you don't have a problem with that, how does he fly at night?" Mason butted in again. He was feeling left out.

"Uh, a combination of the moon's solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells." Christian threw his arms up.

He was pissed now, Christian Ozera, was always right. You could see the steam coming out of his ears and he was getting all red faced. Dimitri knew that he was getting pissed off because he knew he was wrong. Dimitri was the ultimate DC comic book fan. He had almost all of them to prove he was right and Christian wouldn't want Dimitri to bring out the big guns.

"I'm just going to go wash up." Rose said, they ignored her and she growled. She turned away and stalked off towards her apartment.

"I have twenty-six-hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells." Dimitri smirked knowing this will get this argument over with

"Challenge accepted." Both the arguing men turned to walk into the apartment. Trying to open the door, they realized they were locked out. "We're locked out."

"Also, the pretty girl left." Adrian spoke to them

***`~TVT~`***

The next day, Dimitri kept to his promise to help sign for her delivery. He wanted to get in good to make sure he was on Rose's good side, in better chances to end up with her.

"Okay, her apartment's on the fourth floor but the elevator's broken so you're going to have to," Dimitri started to speak to the delivery man but he ended up leaving, seeing the sign that the elevator was broken, he just left, "oh, you're just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves." Dimitri said to himself. He looked at Christian

"I hardly think so." Christian scoffed, looking at the big box then back at Dimitri.

Dimitri looked at Christian with disbelief, "Why not?"

"Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength." Christian touched his arms then looked at Dimitri's arms. "Maybe you do, but now me."

"We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it's just a matter…" Dimitri starts to move the package getting nowhere with it, "I don't have this… I don't have this, I don't have this."

Christian applauded him sarcastically. "Archimedes would be so proud."

"Do you have any ideas?"

"Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring." Nerd.

After staring at the box for quite some time, the guys decided to put it to work.

"Easy, easy," Dimitri said to Christian as they started to push it up the stairs, but the package falls onto its side making it easier now. "Okay! Now we've got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half."

"Exactly half." Christian smirked at him.

"Exactly half." Dimitri said snarkily. "Let's push. Okay, see, it's moving, this is easy, all in the math."

Being the nerd he was Christian thought of this scientifically and mathematically. "What's your formula for the corner?"

"What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn." Dimitri said annoyed now.

Christian walks past the box and it falls when he gets to the top of the steps.

"Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch" Christian said putting a finger to his chin trying to think.

***`~TVT~`***

A few minutes maybe hours, the guys finally get it upstairs, but not on their own floor. Dimitri inwardly curses as they were only three floors away from theirs and Rose's.

"You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?" Christian said, pointing out the flaw in this situation. He believed no matter how hard Dimitri works on this, his odds in sleeping with Rose will only increase or decrease.

"Men do things for women without expecting sex." Dimitri pointed out; hating that Christian might be right about this one thing.

"Yeah, those are men who just had sex." Christian said, inwardly laughing at Dimitri's delusion.

"I'm doing this to be a good neighbor." Dimitri said trying to make it seem like he wasn't into Rose. When really, day and night since Rose moved in, all he could think about was he long brown hair and gorgeous brown eyes. "In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds."

Quickly they got to the top of their floor; Dimitri was excited that they had gotten this far without any problems what-so-ever. Yet, he still believed something would go wrong.

"Almost there, almost there, almost there." Dimitri let go of the package for a few minutes to wipe the sweat off his forehead, but then the package started to slide down the stairs. Damn his dangerous thoughts.

"No we're not, no we're not, and no we're not." Christian panicked as Dimitri realized what was going on. He gasped and grabbed the box before it went any farther down those dreadful steps.

"Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers." Christian was demanding as they went to lay the package down on Rose's floor. "Oh God, my fingers!"

"You okay?" Dimitri asked his friend.

"No, it hurt…" Christian looked around the place, his OCD started to kick in as he noticed Rose's place was a big mess. He couldn't help that he was a neat freak or that things had to be in order. "Great Caesar's Ghost, look at this place?"

"So Rose is a little messy." Dimitri said sticking up for the woman he loved. _Whoa! Did I just say loved? There was no way I could love Rose all ready. I just met the girl. _He thought. He shook his head and sighed.

"A little messy?" Christian exclaimed. "The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me; explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table's having a tiny garage sale."

"Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organize and label the entire world around them?" Dimitri shook his head.

"No." Christian said, all he ever did was think about himself and no one else. In Christian world, only _me, myself, and I,_ existed.

"Well they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content." Dimitri tried to leave the apartment, but Christian insisted on them to stay and take in Rose's catastrophe of a place.

"Excuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times." Christian started to pick things up.

"Come on, we should go." Dimitri insisted, holding the door open for them both, but Christian refused.

Christian shook his head picking up clothes off the floor and couches, "Hang on."

Dimitri groaned and shut the door. "What are you doing?"

"Straightening up." Christian hustled around the room, really being his OCD self.

"Christian, this is not your home."

"This is not anyone's home; this is a swirling vortex of entropy." He spun his arms around motioning the place to Dimitri.

Dimitri growled and looked at the crazy man cleaning up the woman's apartment. He sighed as he wanted to leave and go back to their apartment, so he can relax from all the heavy lifting they did. Well he did. Christian pulled and he pushed, but it seemed like Christian didn't put any effort into it. He started to think of other ways to get Christian to leave Rose's apartment. Then he was struck with a thought.

"When the transvestite lived here, you didn't care how he kept the place." Dimitri pointed out.

Being serious as ever, Christian stopped what he was doing and looked at Dimitri behind him. "Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man's closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, and then his police uniforms."

Dimitri looked really, really confused at this point. "What were you doing in his closet?" He said slowly, trying to understand. Hoping Christian wasn't helping out the transvestite dress or something.

"I helped run some cable for a webcam." Dimitri sighed in relieve. He really hoped Christian wasn't a cross dresser as well.

Dimitri looked back as he heard the door opening. He jumped a bit when he saw Rose entering the apartment. He tried so hard not to look over her body as he saw she was in tight clothing. Damn, she was too good looking to be real. He couldn't help his thoughts or feelings. He was a man, and men had sexual fantasies about women they just met, right?

"Hey guys." Rose smiled at Dimitri and Christian.

"Oh, hey Rose, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now." Dimitri acted like it was no big deal that he was in her apartment and getting it up the stairs.

"Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?" She said, still with a smile on her face. Dimitri was wondering why she was smiling so much.

Christian sucked in his breath as if he was about to bitch her out about having them bring it up the stairs and that she should find loyal workers to help bring the furniture up themselves, but Dimitri cut him off.

"No." Dimitri said like it was no big deal.

"No?" Christian looked at Dimitri, pursing his lips together, thinking otherwise.

Dimitri shook his head giving Christian a look that said _do this for me, just so she thinks more of me. _"No."

Christian nodded his head agreeing with Dimitri "No."

Dimitri didn't want anything else given away by the idiot standing next to him, he took this silent moment to leave, and quickly. "Well, we'll get out of your hair." But he wanted to bury his face in her beautiful long brown hair. Hmm.

"Oh, great, thank you again," Rose threw her jacket over the shoulder of her couch.

"Rose, I just want you to know that, you don't have to live like this. I'm here for you." Christian said sincerely. Dimitri stared at the ass in front of him and shook his head exasperated.

"What's he talking about?" Rose asked confused, looking at Dimitri.

"It's a joke." Dimitri grinned a bit.

"I don't get it." She looked back at Christian

"Yeah, he didn't tell it right." The guys leave quickly, Dimitri bitched Christian out for being stupid and such. It was a good thing Christian didn't argue because he would have brought his "smarts" into it then it'd be a never ending Christian is right and smart and BLAH! Dimitri couldn't take it.

***`~TVT~`***

Later that night Dimitri awoke to hearing a door open and close. He jumped out of bed putting on his robe and put on his glasses. He opened the door and walked into Christian's room.

"Christian?" Dimitri called out quietly.

Dimitri walks into the living room holding a light saber. Realizing it was fake and couldn't really do any damage, if there were robbers. _More damage to the toy then to the person being hit,_ he thought.

He decided to call out again. "Christian? Hello?"

He notices the front door was open and shut the light saber off. He sighed and knew exactly what was going on. Christian escaped and was on Rose's apartment cleaning it up. He really needed to stop this man from getting caught and walked out over to Rose's place to get Christian and go back home.

Dimitri entered the apartment and saw most of the stuff was picked up and put away, he had to give Christian kudos for not waking Rose up with making a lot of noise.

"Christian!" Dimitri whispered yelled at him, he was pissed that he was here in the middle of the night cleaning up Rose's apartment. He shook his head as Christian turned around like he was caught doing something he shouldn't which in this case he was doing something illegal and if Rose woke up they would get caught and she would put a restraining order on them. He didn't want that at all. He wanted a good relationship with Rose. Even if it did mean only being friends.

"Sssshhhh! Rose is sleeping." Christian put a finger to his lips and went back to cleaning.

"Are you insane? You can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean." Dimitri slammed his arms down on his legs in exasperation.

"I had no choice. I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this." Christian explained himself.

"Do you realize that if Rose wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here?" Dimitri crossed his arms over his chest.

"I just gave you a reasonable explanation." Christian looked back at him, and then went back to straightening up again. This man knew no boundaries.

"No, no. You gave me an explanation; its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers." Dimitri argued then he realized, he was standing in Rose's room and she was just a couple inches away sleeping. Peacefully, unaware that two psycho physicists were in her room arguing and cleaning.

"Don't be ridiculous." Christian argued, whispering. "I have no peers."

"Sheldon, we have to get out of here." Dimitri said for the last time, really wanting to get out of there before Rose woke up. Quietly but almost loudly, Rose snored and Dimitri looked at her with wide eyes. He was unaware that Rose snored, he was quiet embarrassed now.

"You might want to speak in a lower register." Christian said ignoring Dimitri.

"What?" said Dimitri in a confusing manner; he was quite confused with Christian around. Not really understanding why he was the way he was.

"Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they'll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register." He pointed out.

"That's ridiculous." Rose snored again and both men looked at her sleeping form.

"No," Christian lowered his toned dramatically. "That's ridiculous."

"Fine. I accept your premise, now please let's go." Dimitri sighed really tired and wanting to go back to bed, but he wasn't leaving until Christian came with him.

"I am not leaving until I'm done." Christian was really into cleaning the entire apartment. This was crazy at his finest.

"O-o-o-oh!" Dimitri crosses his arms and leaned against the wall.

"If you have time to lean, you have time to clean." Christian said to Dimitri.

Sighing, he leaned away from the wall and started to clean with Christian. "Oh, what the hell."

***`~TVT~`***

The next morning the guys woke up around the same time. In Dimitri's mind he couldn't stop thinking about what happened last night. He still couldn't believe that he and Christian broke into Rose's apartment just to clean it. Well he fought to get Christian the hell out of there. But that didn't turn out too good, so he gave in.

"Morning." Christian said rather politely and in a good mood. It was strange for him but he probably felt accomplished and slept gracefully knowing there was no mess across the hall from him anymore.

"Morning." Dimitri said pouring himself a cup of coffee, that Christian started up. Odd.

"I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well." Christian confessed.

"I'm not surprised. A well-known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbor's apartment and clean." Dimitri said sarcastically sipping his hot coffee.

"Sarcasm?" Dimitri nodded.

"You think?" Dimitri smirked at the lanky man.

"Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Rose's quality of life." Christian said eating a piece of toast.

"You know what, you've convinced me, and maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet." Dimitri said sarcastically once again.

"You don't think that crosses a line?" Christian asked wondering.

Dimitri groaned. "Yes! For God's sake, Christian, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?"

"You have a sarcasm sign?" Christian asked in awe of him. Really wondering if he does.

"No, I do not have a sarcasm sign." Dimitri walked over to the couch turning on the TV.

"Do you want some cereal? I'm feeling so good today I'm going to choose from the low fiber end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs." Christian grabbed the box of Honey Puffs.

"Son of a Bitch!" Rose yelled and they guys looked at each other. Dimitri looked at his coffee mug and swirled it around a bit

"Rose's up." Dimitri smiled a bit chuckling to himself.

"You sick, geeky bastards!" She yelled again.

"How did she know it was us?" Dimitri stopped laughing and looked right at Christian.

"I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet." Dimitri stared at Christian in disbelief. He really didn't do that, did he?

"Dimitri!" She yelled again.

Dimitri threw his head back groaning rubbing his eyes. He placed the coffee mug down. "God, this is going to be bad."

Christian dumped his honey puffs away and grabbed another box of cereal. "Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran."

"You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?" Rose looked at them incredulously. You could tell she was pissed off; she was seeing red at the moment and any chance Dimitri had at trying to get with Rose. He just blew it. Big time.

"Yes, but, only to clean." Dimitri defended himself.

"Really more to organize, you're not actually dirty, per se." Christian said taking a bite of his cereal.

"Give me back my key." Rose held her hand out. Really expecting that she could trust him with the key, but that was a bad mistake on her part.

"I'm very, very sorry." Dimitri handed her the key, upset that he blew every chance he had with her.

"Do you understand how creepy this is?" Rose exclaimed again. She was disgusted with them. More so Dimitri.

"Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night." Dimitri agreed.

"In my apartment, while I was sleeping." She groaned and rubbed her head.

"And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It's a throat doctor." Christian told her like she was stupid.

"And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?" Rose said to Christian sarcastically.

"Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon." Dimitri held up a hand written sign that said _sarcasm,_ "Oh!" Christian said understanding now

"God!" Rose yelled.

"Okay, look, no Rose, I think what you're feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you're feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more." Dimitri tried to be convincing but the look on Rose's face she wasn't buying it at all.

"Stay away from me." Rose said in disgust.

"Sure, that's another way to go." Dimitri sighed and nodded agreeing with her nonetheless.

"Rose, Rose, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organizational paradigm." Rose looks at them with disbelief then leaves. "Well that was a little non-responsive."

Dimitri looked at Christian angrily. "You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologize." Christian laughs. "What's funny?"

"That wasn't sarcasm?" Christian asked really not understanding the whole sarcasm lingos.

"No." Dimitri pursed his lips shaking his head.

"Woo, boy, you are all over the place this morning." Dimitri gave him a look and Christian put down his bowl and walked over to Roses apartment. He knocked on the door. "I have a masters and two PhD's, I should not have to do this." He said to himself.

Rose opened the door and looked at Christian still pissed. "What?"

"I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won't color your opinion of Dimitri, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear a gentle and thorough lover." Rose closed the door on his face. "I did what I could."

***`~TVT~`***

Later that day Rose was walking down the stairs when she saw Adrian. She smiled and looked at him.

"Hey Adrian," Adrian stands there uncomfortably as he was standing close to Rose. "Hey, listen, I don't know if you heard about what happened last night with Dimitri and Christian, but I'm really upset about it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?"

Adrian just stared at her as his thoughts started to motion through his head. _Ooh, she's standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?_

"You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, and you shoot, okay? And you don't shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?" Rose went on and on as Adrian wasn't really paying attention to her.

Adrian just stared at her like she was loco and he just continued to ignore her. _She's so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'd be better off with a Romanian girl. We'd have the same cultural background, and my wife would sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me. _

"It's obvious that they meant well, but I'm just, I'm having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it's just freaking me out." Rose kept going on and on non-stop not realizing Adrian wasn't paying attention.

Adrian was singing a Romanian lullaby in his head and he just started to smile as he could hear his mother singing the same song to him.

"I mean, just because most of the men I've known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn't mean I should just assume Dimitri and Christian are. Right?" She looked at him and smiled a bit. That he was listening really well.

Adrian stared at her as he stopped singing in his head. _She asked me a question. I should probably nod. _He nodded at her not really knowing what he agreed to.

"That's exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You're a doll." Rose hugged him and smiled.

Adrian stood still looking awkward and hugged her back. _Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis. _ He turned his pelvis so he wasn't close up against her. He sighed in relief as he wasn't sought out.

***`~TVT~`***

Later that same moment, all the men were in the living room playing dancing game. Mason was too into it as he beat his high score again the second time.

Mason jumped off the matt and looked at Dimitri. "Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served."

"It's fine. You win." Dimitri looked down sullenly. Not really into game night.

"What's his problem?" Mason asked Christian.

"His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him." Christian said looking at Dimitri then back at Mason.

Mason laughed and looked at Dimitri "Been there."

Adrian walked in with a smile on his face. "Hello. Sorry I'm late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Rose."

"Really? You? Adrian Ivashkov, spoke to Rose?" Mason said in disbelief.

"Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee." Mason nodded understanding his meaning now.

"What did she say? Is she still mad at me?" Dimitri asked. He was more worried about him and her.

"Well, she was upset at first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and… then she hugged me." Adrian smiled brightly.

"She hugged you? How did she hug you?" Adrian hugged Mason, "Is that her perfume I smell?"

Adrian nodded. "Intoxicating, isn't it?" Adrian sighed still hugging Mason.

Dimitri gets up and writes a note to Rose saying how truly sorry he was. And that it would most likely never happen again. He took his time writing the note, putting as much feeling as he can into it. Even if it does sound nerdy, he left is room and walked out into the living room.

"Where are you going?" Christian asked as Dimitri got to the door.

"Apologizing to Rose." He left the apartment and went across the hall to Rose's door, slipping the piece of paper under it. But Rose opened the door just in time to catch him.

"Hi." Rose said looking at the tall man in front of him.

"Oh." Dimitri said looking at her form,

"What's going on?" She asked wondering why Dimitri was there.

"Um, here's the thing." He holds the note up and read it to her. "Rose, just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgment. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognize one's mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie's discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of Ebola research…."

Rose cut him off and smiled at him. "Dimitri."

Dimitri stopped and looked at her smile, "Yeah?"

Rose hugged him. Savoring the moment she had with him. "We're okay." She kissed his cheek then backed into her apartment closing the door. Dimitri couldn't help the smile that spread across his lips and walked back to his apartment, straight into the door.

***`~TVT~`***

That night Rose asked the guys for help to set up her new furniture, she was having a hard time with it herself, and so she figured why not. Since they were on good terms now.

"Six two inch dowels." Dimitri read from the paper.

"Check." Christian nodded.

"One package, Phillips head screws." Dimitri read again

"Check." Christian looked at him.

Rose sighed and looked at them. "Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media center."

"No, please, we insist, it's the least we can do considering…" He gets cut off from Christian.

"Considering what? How great this place looks?" Christian smiled in spite of himself and the work he did on the place.

Mason crossed the room with Adrian holding the paper in his hands. "Oh boy, I was afraid of this."

"What?" Dimitri got up and walked over to him to see what he was talking about.

Mason shows him the paper. "These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program."

"Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store." Rose said to them but they ignored her.

"It is an inefficient design, for example Rose has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted." Dimitri said pointing at the prints.

"We could put her stereo back there." Christian suggested.

"And control it how?" Mason looked at Christian, wondering why he wanted to put in a stereo.

"Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy." Christian said like it was the easiest thing in the world. But to these men, anything was easy. Except getting a girlfriend.

Mason looked at Adrian after he whispered in his ear. "Good point, how you going to cool it?" He said to Christian.

"Hey guys, I got this." Rose said holding up the pieces putting it together herself.

"Hang on Rose," Christian said to her then back to the men. "How about fans, here and here?"

"Also inefficient, and might be loud." Dimitri countered his fan hypothesis.

"How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pumps here, run some quarter inch PVC…" Christian said to her.

"Guys, this is actually really simple." Rose said almost finished building the center. She sighed and finished the system and stood up looking at the men still ignoring her. She waited for them to stop to tell them that she was done working on it.

"Hold on, honey, men at work." Mason said to her. She scoffed and shook her head at him. That was really sexist. They seriously doubted her abilities to build the damn thing and they were still talking on and on about it. "The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here." Mason continued.

"Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?" Dimitri said like it was the most stupid thing he had ever heard of.

"And if water is involved we're going to have to ground the crap out of the thing." Christian insisted.

"Guys, it's hot in here, I think I'll just take off all my clothes." Rose said feeling ignored by the guys who just took over trying to set up her new furniture. She groaned and shook her head; she crossed her arms and just listened to them rambling on about water thingys or whatevers.

All the guys just ignored what she said and continued on how to set it up. "Oh, I've got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminum?" Dimitri was really into the prints.

"Right, then the entire thing's one big heat sink," Christian said.

"Perfect, Dimitri, why don't you and Christian go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square meters of scrap aluminum, Adrian and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetylene torch." Mason said to the men.

"Meet back here in an hour?" Dimitri said after looking at the blue prints for the cabinets

"Done." Mason said.

"Pretty good," Christian said looking at their work on the paper to set up the sound system.

"Got it." Dimitri said then got up to leave to get the stuff they needed for the system.

"Okay, this place does look great," Rose said to no one but herself. She looked around the place and smiled at the work that Christian had done to her place.

**A/N: Holy SHIT! This was the longest chapter I have ever written. But I am so proud of myself. It took me like 5 hours just to write it. And also watch the show at the same time. **

**We love reviews. So yaa. Review my peeps. WORD! *Dances away Gangnam Style.***


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